Stormy Monday

I really hate how I am second best to everyone.
My thoughts, my feelings are always put into comparison to someone else's.
I'm never right, even when I'm talking about my own experiences.
Fuck you guys, fuck you and you're judgemental faces, fuck you and you're carelessness with my feelings, fuck you and you're ignorance to the rest of the world which, here's a fact does not revolve around you.
I need to escape.

Red

Parents are so fucking overrated..
So my dad is finally moving in with his girlfriend and saving some money, (maybe he can even start paying child support now) so I am taking his furniture and selling it at a garage sale to raise money for a group of people to go overseas to commemorate Australian soldiers. Anywho, I worked 7 hours straight last night to come home and get 4 hours sleep, to then go back and work this morning, needless to say, I'm fucking exhausted.
We had to finish moving the furniture today, the last of the big stuff being a couch and a queen size bed. While I was sitting around waiting for my older brother to get to my dads house I decided to go home and get some sleep, knowing full well it would take them ages to get their shit together. I told him to call me when he got to my friend's house where we were storing the furniture and I will help him.
So there I was just chilling, relaxing, being happy, when I get a message from my brother saying that he was at my friend's house, so I went to meet him there.
However, there is a community cycling event going on and it took me longer then usual to get there, and I almost had a head on with someone because I was giving way to the cyclist and they didn't slow down, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, when I'm getting closer to my friends house I look at my phone and see that I have a message from my brother telling me that he had already unloaded his car and was going back to dads house for a second load, which would take between 1-1.5 hours. Since it took me so long to get there and I went there for no reason, I got pissed off.
So I rang my brother and my little brother answered, clearly he didn't need help unloading his car if my little brother was already with him. I then had a go at him for screwing me around and went home, refusing to drive back to help him with the next load, I'm just too fucking tired. My dad then wants me to ring him.
Of course I'm still pissed off, I am notorious for being angry for days at someone, I'm just one of those people. But I try to explain how I didn't appreciate being screwed about because I have other stuff to do, I have exams to study for and sleep to try and get back and I was not in the mood. He then tries to blame me for the mix up and says that I shouldn't be mad at my brother but grateful for his help, when really he's doing it for himself because he gets rid of all his unwanted furniture. I then get accused for screwing him around by 'dropping in unexpectedly' (I tell him days in advance when I plan on visiting him) and not letting him know when I plan on staying at his house although I'm supposed to go there every two weeks and Friday night was the first time I've slept there in about 6 months.
I'm sorry that me being your child is such a fucking inconvenience for you, you arsehole.

'Cheers to the end of an era'

I just finished my last High School assignment, hopefully, forever.

I was looking through my mum's big box that she stores all of our bills, reports, school work etc. in and near the top was a maths test of mine from year 8, five years ago. Good old 8H3, that brings back some memories. Losing my old friends, gaining new ones, watching the boys grow up and blossom into young men, the girls... being taken advantage of  by these young men.. I guess that's a part of growing up though right?
Well I just finished my last assignment, my last subject of high school.
History. I've decided that I am going to miss my class, the atmosphere, the students, my teacher. I hope that he will continue to mentor me in the future and I can rely on him if I need some help, he's pretty good at that. Being able to be relied upon.
We worked out when I invaded his year 11 class for a lesson to hang out that I work near his house... kinda stalkerish I think.

Anyone, I'm rambling thanks to a combination of tiredness and alcohol so I better go

Goodnight internet space that replaces my diary...

Dirty little secret

You know when you meet that stranger on the beach, or the bus or talk to the customer at work and they ask about your life and you share those useless details that connect you to another human being?
I would love to lie.
I want to make up this fairytale of a life, a new name, a new occupation, life goal and identity. How cool would it be to be someone different, if only for a few minutes. You could talk about you're pretend trips to Europe where you ran a muck with yummy European boys, you're life's ambition to cure cancer, you're decision to go to South Africa to raise awareness on the importance of female contraception. I want to make  a fantastic lie which will make my life seem not so worthless.

Stress is the worst thing the human body decided to create followed by the amazing idea to make 30 percent of someone's grade dependant on a single exam.
Kill me?

Thinking is overrated

Must. Not. Get. Confused.

Now hear me out, I can't be lead. It's not humanly possible as I have major issues in every way, however what the fuck as we doing? You tell me you miss me and you want to see me, sure but then go and try to make me guess as to what has changed in you. You said we were friends, I know that, you know that and yet you're the one crossing the lines. Now it's been clarified and it's definite then I'm going to have trouble changing what my brain thinks. Do not confuse me. It's hard enough trying to deal with your mood swings let alone anything else. I know I'm strange and I have strange things wrong in my head but I can't help that.

Ugh, what am I doing...

Blehhh

I hate how my days generally start out mediocre then progressively get worse.
Take today for example, I got up early got all the stuff I needed doing, done. I got to see my school friends then successfully studied for 3 hours straight which is a rare thing for me.
Then it went down hill. I really do hate being in constant pain, it's a real downer on my mood. Of course my body failed me again in the form of my knee trying to dislocate itself for no reason, resulting in the 80 percent chance that I have broken my foot.
Oh the joy.
Hopefully tomorrow will bring better luck and hopefully a better mood.

I'm most definitely a head case

Although my confusion is still firmly in place, at least it has kinda, sorta been dealt with.

But...I finally said it, what I've been thinking for weeks and I do feel good about that. It needed to be out in open and it needed to be heard by someone, anyone and now it has.

Still.. in our meeting which I'm not sure was the best idea, I did get confused more. I finally understood and could put words as to what I was confused, angry and frustrated about in the first place but you, my dear friend did nothing to try and make it any easier.... by then confusing me some more.

I really, really don't want to know the context of the potential drunk texts coming my way this weekend.

I just have no idea what I am doing anymore...

Distance

I really do have a great skill in royally messing things up with everyone I get close to...
It's just one of those many life skills that I wish I didn't have to have.
It would be nice if I was allowed to get close to someone at some stage in my life.

Oh the joys

Someone teach me to fly

I know that I'm a head case.
My behaviour is erratic, my words hard and direct and I'm not exactly the nicest person to be around sometimes, but... that's me.
I can't change and I refuse to become this shell of a person because society asks me to be.
I'm not fake and pretentious, I'm not made of plastic or silicone, I'm a real, living, breathing person.
You can beat me and abuse me with your simple mind, but I will conquer all.
I will overcome the hurdles you place in my path with your stupid actions and absurd ideals.
I will leap and fly and soar past the patheticness of this life that I am forced to live in and become the person I want to be, not the person you want to make me.
You can't weigh me down.

I will beat this..