19/12/2014

So, it is said that if you sit and write out at least one positive thing that has occurred in the past twenty-four hours then you will begin to feel happier and become a more positive person. I unfortunately have disintegrated into a very cynical, angry, tired and ruthless version of myself and will try anything to become happy again. Here goes nothing...

I have been looking at the blasted blinking cursor for thirty minutes trying to decide on my happiness. I woke up this morning and for a brief second I forgot the negative, that brief moment of pure innocence and delight is what gets me through the day. The memories of what we were and what we could have been, the regret over not sharing my last words with you, my thoughts, my prayers; they do not plague me in that moment of sleepy comfort which I enjoy every morning at 7 am, when I awake without you by my side, without you on this earth. 

But this isn't a true moment of happiness, this moment is due to the fact that my brain is in the process of shifting from dreaming of you and thinking about my our despair, which you no longer share with me. 

But now back to my positive moment, my horses eye is improving and by the looks of it, may be out of the woods to getting it removed. This fact in itself lowers my stress levels and gives my brain one less thing to have a meltdown about. It also means that she is in less pain and is on the mend so she can back to being her grumpy little self again. 

Mardy bum

I obviously must have a sign over my head saying blame me for everything you possibly can because everyone fucking seems to

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On a happier note, it was fantastic seeing people who actually want to see me. 

Quite a drastic difference really

Right back where we started from

Why is sleep so persistent in evading me?
I either sleep too much or not at all and there is no in between or equalibriam.
I'm just destined to be permantately placed in this zombie-esk state.
Well at least everything I feel is numb.
Yeah fuck risks and qualms about dangerous ideas or activities, I'll just do them anyway.
I stop thinking so much about peoples opinions and perceptions of me and truly speak my mind.
Everything I do is for my happiness and that alone, people who make me mad, fuck them, those who want to control me, fuck them too and most of all those who judge me for being who I want to be, you're all fucking twats.

...My brain is stupid.

I really fucking hate working some days, not being allowed to stand in a particular area just because I'm under a certain age if ridiculous. My twat of a boss is not allowing me to stand behind the bar area at work, everything is behind the bar area, water, the till, the menus, how the fuck am I meant to do my job when I'm not allowed to access that area. Fucking genius that is.

You'll miss me when I'm gone

I have this deep rooted distaste for people who treat teenagers as children. We get discriminated against for our age and treated as slaves in the working force, because for some ridiculous reason that by being under 18 or even 21 we aren't worth as much as 'adults' even though we are just as skilled as what they are.
I get talked down to, like I am a child that needs words to be shortened so I can understand them, when in most cases I am actually more educated then those that believe they are better then me.
Age discrimination is ever present in every aspect of society, the elderly get discriminated against, told that they are stupid, in a similar way children and teenagers are, however these people have experienced things that we can only image, things that will never be seen again. They deserve respect and a little understanding.

Stormy Monday

I really hate how I am second best to everyone.
My thoughts, my feelings are always put into comparison to someone else's.
I'm never right, even when I'm talking about my own experiences.
Fuck you guys, fuck you and you're judgemental faces, fuck you and you're carelessness with my feelings, fuck you and you're ignorance to the rest of the world which, here's a fact does not revolve around you.
I need to escape.

Red

Parents are so fucking overrated..
So my dad is finally moving in with his girlfriend and saving some money, (maybe he can even start paying child support now) so I am taking his furniture and selling it at a garage sale to raise money for a group of people to go overseas to commemorate Australian soldiers. Anywho, I worked 7 hours straight last night to come home and get 4 hours sleep, to then go back and work this morning, needless to say, I'm fucking exhausted.
We had to finish moving the furniture today, the last of the big stuff being a couch and a queen size bed. While I was sitting around waiting for my older brother to get to my dads house I decided to go home and get some sleep, knowing full well it would take them ages to get their shit together. I told him to call me when he got to my friend's house where we were storing the furniture and I will help him.
So there I was just chilling, relaxing, being happy, when I get a message from my brother saying that he was at my friend's house, so I went to meet him there.
However, there is a community cycling event going on and it took me longer then usual to get there, and I almost had a head on with someone because I was giving way to the cyclist and they didn't slow down, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, when I'm getting closer to my friends house I look at my phone and see that I have a message from my brother telling me that he had already unloaded his car and was going back to dads house for a second load, which would take between 1-1.5 hours. Since it took me so long to get there and I went there for no reason, I got pissed off.
So I rang my brother and my little brother answered, clearly he didn't need help unloading his car if my little brother was already with him. I then had a go at him for screwing me around and went home, refusing to drive back to help him with the next load, I'm just too fucking tired. My dad then wants me to ring him.
Of course I'm still pissed off, I am notorious for being angry for days at someone, I'm just one of those people. But I try to explain how I didn't appreciate being screwed about because I have other stuff to do, I have exams to study for and sleep to try and get back and I was not in the mood. He then tries to blame me for the mix up and says that I shouldn't be mad at my brother but grateful for his help, when really he's doing it for himself because he gets rid of all his unwanted furniture. I then get accused for screwing him around by 'dropping in unexpectedly' (I tell him days in advance when I plan on visiting him) and not letting him know when I plan on staying at his house although I'm supposed to go there every two weeks and Friday night was the first time I've slept there in about 6 months.
I'm sorry that me being your child is such a fucking inconvenience for you, you arsehole.

'Cheers to the end of an era'

I just finished my last High School assignment, hopefully, forever.

I was looking through my mum's big box that she stores all of our bills, reports, school work etc. in and near the top was a maths test of mine from year 8, five years ago. Good old 8H3, that brings back some memories. Losing my old friends, gaining new ones, watching the boys grow up and blossom into young men, the girls... being taken advantage of  by these young men.. I guess that's a part of growing up though right?
Well I just finished my last assignment, my last subject of high school.
History. I've decided that I am going to miss my class, the atmosphere, the students, my teacher. I hope that he will continue to mentor me in the future and I can rely on him if I need some help, he's pretty good at that. Being able to be relied upon.
We worked out when I invaded his year 11 class for a lesson to hang out that I work near his house... kinda stalkerish I think.

Anyone, I'm rambling thanks to a combination of tiredness and alcohol so I better go

Goodnight internet space that replaces my diary...

Dirty little secret

You know when you meet that stranger on the beach, or the bus or talk to the customer at work and they ask about your life and you share those useless details that connect you to another human being?
I would love to lie.
I want to make up this fairytale of a life, a new name, a new occupation, life goal and identity. How cool would it be to be someone different, if only for a few minutes. You could talk about you're pretend trips to Europe where you ran a muck with yummy European boys, you're life's ambition to cure cancer, you're decision to go to South Africa to raise awareness on the importance of female contraception. I want to make  a fantastic lie which will make my life seem not so worthless.

Stress is the worst thing the human body decided to create followed by the amazing idea to make 30 percent of someone's grade dependant on a single exam.
Kill me?

Thinking is overrated

Must. Not. Get. Confused.

Now hear me out, I can't be lead. It's not humanly possible as I have major issues in every way, however what the fuck as we doing? You tell me you miss me and you want to see me, sure but then go and try to make me guess as to what has changed in you. You said we were friends, I know that, you know that and yet you're the one crossing the lines. Now it's been clarified and it's definite then I'm going to have trouble changing what my brain thinks. Do not confuse me. It's hard enough trying to deal with your mood swings let alone anything else. I know I'm strange and I have strange things wrong in my head but I can't help that.

Ugh, what am I doing...

Blehhh

I hate how my days generally start out mediocre then progressively get worse.
Take today for example, I got up early got all the stuff I needed doing, done. I got to see my school friends then successfully studied for 3 hours straight which is a rare thing for me.
Then it went down hill. I really do hate being in constant pain, it's a real downer on my mood. Of course my body failed me again in the form of my knee trying to dislocate itself for no reason, resulting in the 80 percent chance that I have broken my foot.
Oh the joy.
Hopefully tomorrow will bring better luck and hopefully a better mood.

I'm most definitely a head case

Although my confusion is still firmly in place, at least it has kinda, sorta been dealt with.

But...I finally said it, what I've been thinking for weeks and I do feel good about that. It needed to be out in open and it needed to be heard by someone, anyone and now it has.

Still.. in our meeting which I'm not sure was the best idea, I did get confused more. I finally understood and could put words as to what I was confused, angry and frustrated about in the first place but you, my dear friend did nothing to try and make it any easier.... by then confusing me some more.

I really, really don't want to know the context of the potential drunk texts coming my way this weekend.

I just have no idea what I am doing anymore...

Distance

I really do have a great skill in royally messing things up with everyone I get close to...
It's just one of those many life skills that I wish I didn't have to have.
It would be nice if I was allowed to get close to someone at some stage in my life.

Oh the joys

Someone teach me to fly

I know that I'm a head case.
My behaviour is erratic, my words hard and direct and I'm not exactly the nicest person to be around sometimes, but... that's me.
I can't change and I refuse to become this shell of a person because society asks me to be.
I'm not fake and pretentious, I'm not made of plastic or silicone, I'm a real, living, breathing person.
You can beat me and abuse me with your simple mind, but I will conquer all.
I will overcome the hurdles you place in my path with your stupid actions and absurd ideals.
I will leap and fly and soar past the patheticness of this life that I am forced to live in and become the person I want to be, not the person you want to make me.
You can't weigh me down.

I will beat this.. 

A Poetic Mess

The lost are searching,
They are trying to find a way home
But the invisible creature is holding them back.
They struggle and fight,
They will never win on their own.
Their fingers grow bloody as they claw at the sand
Fighting against the looming tide.
But the wave has caught them
There is no escaping now,
The water is swallowing them whole
Drowning out their pleas of help,
With the peaceful sound of breaking waves.

Untitled.

To me, education is one of the most important things in life. I believe if someone is given the chance to have an education they should take it. If someone is given an opportunity that so many others aren't, they should take it in a heartbeat. This is where my friends and I differ. They value other things like socialising over their education. Sure, sure a little of both is healthy but some times I just get so frustrated when people can't see past their little bubble they are in and see the bigger picture. There is a whole world out there just waiting for you to make a splash and there you are not attending class or school, for what? So you can stay home with your boyfriend? Or getting bad grades because you are too busy texting during class or passing notes to the person next to you?

How about think about all those other kids our age who are not as privileged? The ones who are living in slums or ghettos. The one's who can't afford an education. The ones who are dying from AIDs and malnutrition and there you are, giving up an opportunity that they would die for. They would love to be in your shoes, but no all you can see if the now, you can't see past yourself.

Bleh.

Liar

Don't you hate it when people lie to you. Sure a little white lie here and there doesn't hurt but full blown liars should be shot. Today I found out that someone whom everyone thought had passed on, hadn't.

How can someone lie like that?

How can someone toy with so many peoples emotions?

Was it all a joke to you?

Was everything you spoke about a lie?

Why the fuck would you do that to these people who pretty much kissed your feet?

I know, you must be so insecure about yourself that you had to get everyone to take pity on you. You had to feed on their tears and their anguish. You really are a sorry excuse for a human being and I don't care what your reasons were, there is no forgiving an act like that. You hurt my friends, you toyed with them knowing that they were fragile. Fuck. You. Bitch.

The Ice Queen is back.

It's Only Life

You have to make your life count.

These past few days has shown me that.

Go and enjoy the little things.

The smell of newly mowed grass.

The peacefulness of standing listening to the wind.

The warmth of the sun.

Light trickling in through the leaves of a tree.

Do the things that make you happy,

Make you smile.

Before you can't smile any more.

R.I.P. Nadya.