19/12/2014

So, it is said that if you sit and write out at least one positive thing that has occurred in the past twenty-four hours then you will begin to feel happier and become a more positive person. I unfortunately have disintegrated into a very cynical, angry, tired and ruthless version of myself and will try anything to become happy again. Here goes nothing...

I have been looking at the blasted blinking cursor for thirty minutes trying to decide on my happiness. I woke up this morning and for a brief second I forgot the negative, that brief moment of pure innocence and delight is what gets me through the day. The memories of what we were and what we could have been, the regret over not sharing my last words with you, my thoughts, my prayers; they do not plague me in that moment of sleepy comfort which I enjoy every morning at 7 am, when I awake without you by my side, without you on this earth. 

But this isn't a true moment of happiness, this moment is due to the fact that my brain is in the process of shifting from dreaming of you and thinking about my our despair, which you no longer share with me. 

But now back to my positive moment, my horses eye is improving and by the looks of it, may be out of the woods to getting it removed. This fact in itself lowers my stress levels and gives my brain one less thing to have a meltdown about. It also means that she is in less pain and is on the mend so she can back to being her grumpy little self again. 

Mardy bum

I obviously must have a sign over my head saying blame me for everything you possibly can because everyone fucking seems to

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On a happier note, it was fantastic seeing people who actually want to see me. 

Quite a drastic difference really

Right back where we started from

Why is sleep so persistent in evading me?
I either sleep too much or not at all and there is no in between or equalibriam.
I'm just destined to be permantately placed in this zombie-esk state.
Well at least everything I feel is numb.
Yeah fuck risks and qualms about dangerous ideas or activities, I'll just do them anyway.
I stop thinking so much about peoples opinions and perceptions of me and truly speak my mind.
Everything I do is for my happiness and that alone, people who make me mad, fuck them, those who want to control me, fuck them too and most of all those who judge me for being who I want to be, you're all fucking twats.

...My brain is stupid.

I really fucking hate working some days, not being allowed to stand in a particular area just because I'm under a certain age if ridiculous. My twat of a boss is not allowing me to stand behind the bar area at work, everything is behind the bar area, water, the till, the menus, how the fuck am I meant to do my job when I'm not allowed to access that area. Fucking genius that is.

You'll miss me when I'm gone

I have this deep rooted distaste for people who treat teenagers as children. We get discriminated against for our age and treated as slaves in the working force, because for some ridiculous reason that by being under 18 or even 21 we aren't worth as much as 'adults' even though we are just as skilled as what they are.
I get talked down to, like I am a child that needs words to be shortened so I can understand them, when in most cases I am actually more educated then those that believe they are better then me.
Age discrimination is ever present in every aspect of society, the elderly get discriminated against, told that they are stupid, in a similar way children and teenagers are, however these people have experienced things that we can only image, things that will never be seen again. They deserve respect and a little understanding.

Stormy Monday

I really hate how I am second best to everyone.
My thoughts, my feelings are always put into comparison to someone else's.
I'm never right, even when I'm talking about my own experiences.
Fuck you guys, fuck you and you're judgemental faces, fuck you and you're carelessness with my feelings, fuck you and you're ignorance to the rest of the world which, here's a fact does not revolve around you.
I need to escape.

Red

Parents are so fucking overrated..
So my dad is finally moving in with his girlfriend and saving some money, (maybe he can even start paying child support now) so I am taking his furniture and selling it at a garage sale to raise money for a group of people to go overseas to commemorate Australian soldiers. Anywho, I worked 7 hours straight last night to come home and get 4 hours sleep, to then go back and work this morning, needless to say, I'm fucking exhausted.
We had to finish moving the furniture today, the last of the big stuff being a couch and a queen size bed. While I was sitting around waiting for my older brother to get to my dads house I decided to go home and get some sleep, knowing full well it would take them ages to get their shit together. I told him to call me when he got to my friend's house where we were storing the furniture and I will help him.
So there I was just chilling, relaxing, being happy, when I get a message from my brother saying that he was at my friend's house, so I went to meet him there.
However, there is a community cycling event going on and it took me longer then usual to get there, and I almost had a head on with someone because I was giving way to the cyclist and they didn't slow down, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, when I'm getting closer to my friends house I look at my phone and see that I have a message from my brother telling me that he had already unloaded his car and was going back to dads house for a second load, which would take between 1-1.5 hours. Since it took me so long to get there and I went there for no reason, I got pissed off.
So I rang my brother and my little brother answered, clearly he didn't need help unloading his car if my little brother was already with him. I then had a go at him for screwing me around and went home, refusing to drive back to help him with the next load, I'm just too fucking tired. My dad then wants me to ring him.
Of course I'm still pissed off, I am notorious for being angry for days at someone, I'm just one of those people. But I try to explain how I didn't appreciate being screwed about because I have other stuff to do, I have exams to study for and sleep to try and get back and I was not in the mood. He then tries to blame me for the mix up and says that I shouldn't be mad at my brother but grateful for his help, when really he's doing it for himself because he gets rid of all his unwanted furniture. I then get accused for screwing him around by 'dropping in unexpectedly' (I tell him days in advance when I plan on visiting him) and not letting him know when I plan on staying at his house although I'm supposed to go there every two weeks and Friday night was the first time I've slept there in about 6 months.
I'm sorry that me being your child is such a fucking inconvenience for you, you arsehole.